On needing to develop a thicker skin

I may not be cut out for administration because I get my feelings hurt just too darned easily. There was the Curriculum Committee meeting a few weeks ago from which I drove home in tears and then cried in bed later that night, all because a friend and colleague referred to the English department as "selfish." (I still think it was an asshole comment, plus completely inaccurate in terms of what we were proposing, and he did apologize later.)

And then this week it was Ex-Co-Author, who wasn't at school on Tuesday because her husband was having an emergency medical procedure. She sent an email to the entire department on Monday night, saying that she needed coverage for her two classes on Tuesday -- all entire appropriate and procedural -- but then sent another email later, again to the entire department, saying that I would just have to deal with coverage for her classes as part of my duties as department chair. One gets a lot of leeway when one's spouse is having an emergency medical procedure, of course, but her email was rude enough that another colleague said something to me about it the next day. And it was also annoying since I had already said that we would get her classes covered and that she should not give school another thought. And in fact, I wound up covering both of her courses myself because I'm the only person in the department who doesn't teach during one of those blocks. (We get substitute teachers whenever possible to cover absences, but Ex-Co-Author is part-time and only teaches two courses, so we cover those in-house.)

The stupid thing is that I fretted about her rudeness and our deteriorated relationship for the whole day. And then, in the late afternoon, she sent another email to say "thank you" for my covering her classes and to let me know that her husband had come through the procedure and was doing just fine. And that email was really friendly, such that one would never know that we'd ever exchanged a cross word. I really appreciated the latter email, and it's possible that my having done her a favor (albeit one that is indeed part of my duties as department chair) will help to mend our broken relationship.

But the up and down of my emotions during the day left me completely wiped out, such that I was cranky and fretful and teary by the time I got home and I wound up crawling into bed at 8:00 and turning out the light by 8:30. And today I've got that emotional hangover feeling and wish that I could get through the day without talking with anyone.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and delicate-flower-ish to be in an administrative position?

Comments

[Susan]

Well, it's a learning curve, and every sort of work has trade-offs, and some relationships are just hard. Maybe you'll decide that administration just isn't what you're cut out to do, or maybe you'll decide that it's something you can take your turn at from time to time b/c there are some kinds of administrative tasks that circulate. Or maybe you'll decide that there are some sorts of administrative tasks that you really aren't so good at, and will delegate to others when you are truly in charge. Or maybe you'll decide that there's some kind of learning-to-be-an-administrator seminar that would be really helpful (I've been to a wonderful academic mid-career seminar run by HERS; I also went to a how-to-be-a-dept-chair workshop when I first became chair).

Ex-Co-Author has been part of such a toxic relationship with you for so long that I wouldn't use that as a guideline for whether you're suited for administration or not. And being an interim chair is a challenging job--it's short term. You didn't get a lot of preparation, and you're not staying in this role.

All of which is a long way around of saying you don't need to decide right now whether you're suited for admin work--on a day like that, you need to cozy up, restore yourself, and later do the balancing and reflecting about what's pleasing to you, what's not about administration. No need to rush to judgement....but definitely a need to rush to whatever fills you back up. Sorry you had such a hard day.

[Nicoleandmaggie]

Maybe ex-coauthor has been weirdly verklempt (and unprofessional) because of the stress of her husband's medical condition.

[servetus]

Sorry it's been so rough for you lately. I think it would be entirely normal to feel the way you felt after these interactions. You're not a too delicate flower!

My own experience suggests that it's not this experience but the next ones. Over the course of a year you sort of develop a stamina for stuff like this and you start to be able to tolerate idiots -- or you don't. I think the first time these things happen are rough for everyone. Some learn to deal, some don't.

[Laura/Geeky Mom]

Let me just say I feel your pain. I used to crumble a lot over stuff like this. And then I decided that it was about them and not me, and now, I still feel kind of icky, but not devastated. Mostly I struggle with how to deal with it in a professional manner. And those decisions can be gut wrenching.

I'm still a little surprised by people who lash out in a personal way, but I do kind of expect it now.

[meansomething]

Yeah, I agree that it takes a while, and then you realize that a certain percentage of people are going to be jerks a certain percentage of the time. Frankly, the "selfish" comment is terribly personalizing--it is indeed an asshole move, and I'm glad that he apologized. Co-Author you already know is kind of a hot mess, so no big surprise there. I hope that both your email saying you would cover and her email being a jerk went to everyone, because it's kind of nice to let other people demonstrate their jerkiness and your graciousness once in a while!

[Rev Dr Mom]

I have a mantra I use from time to time and as silly as it sounds, it really helps when I feel myself getting to emotional over work stuff. It is "let it go, let it go" sung to the turn of "Let It Be."

It is still a struggle sometimes to keep the professional face on, but really I feel better.

[What Now?]

Thank you all for the supportive comments! A couple of good nights' sleep has me feeling much better. I'm also thinking that sensitivity, like most personal attributes, cuts both ways. Yes, it means that things get to me more than I would like, but it also means that I'm doing a pretty good job (I think) at supporting some other colleagues. There are some other department chairs who clearly just don't get distressed by these interpersonal things ... but the downside is that they sometimes hurt other people's feelings by being kind of unaware of them. So there are pro's and con's to different types of leadership qualities.

[meansomething]

This is a very important insight. Some reasonably good administrators have skins of rhinoceros hide, which is fine up to a point--until they need to put themselves into the position of more sensitive folks!

[Friendly guy]

Interesting post. I feel your pain. In my late 40s, I'm still discovering things about my emotions. I, too, am sensitive to rudeness, and would at times ruminate all evening - or more - over such occurences. On other instances, my response is to brush it off with "Well, whatever" perspective.

The difference? Sleep. If I don't get enough, or it is too disrupted, I get really sensitive.