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July 21, 2012


/hug I'm sorry you've felt down, especially near your birthday. By the way, Happy Belated Birthday.

But, I do think you've come to two important realizations in this post. First, our partners are what they are, and we either accept them and enjoy our relationship, or we change it. And frankly, D sounds so very wonderful in other ways, that I think that's a good choice. Second, yes, how we think about things matters. Your job is great. You have a home, good health, projects and intersting stuff to do, a fine partner, and so on. So while it's normal to get down sometimes, trying to recognize just how good things are is also good, and likely to make you happier.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear of your feeling down. Been there done that, for sure. It sounds like you've come to some good realizations and hopefully, that will help you focus, or refocus in the coming year.

I wanted to comment briefly on your shoulder issue. I had a similar problem, and it turned out I had strained the muscles around my rotator cuff. I went through a bunch of physical therapy that involved strengthening those muscles and all was well with the world. Plus, my arms looked great! :)


If it helps, Mike and I are in situation much like you and D experience with regards to employment, training and crushed hopes. He's working on his third degree with scant hope he'll actually be able to get full-time employment.

We've come to realize that we're a team and we have to look at what I earn as the result of a team-effort. We also value what his part-time schedule allows us to do, for instance, having someone available at all times to support special-needs Youngest, in particular.

It's not easy for him and I'm sure it's not easy for D. But rather than waste time and energy on anger and what-ifs, working to reframe your life to think how lucky you are to be sharing so much positive energy right there in Adventure City with a good job for you and a nice house for the two of you and a really strong bond that links you with D. Well, that turns things around, doesn't it? And I have a similar list of what makes me grateful in my daily life.

Thanks, you all. And it's absolutely true that D. is wonderful in so very many ways; I sometime lose sight of that fabulousness by focusing on the few negatives, and this is where the reframing comes in. Indeed, the very fact that my reframing project is grounded in her wisdom speaks volumes! We talked this afternoon about concentrating our energies on the many great things about our lives -- hence the kayaking this afternoon (which I'm glad to say didn't hurt my shoulder, although I think I strained my wrist a little bit in compensating for the shoulder's gimpiness), and tonight's home-cooked meal that we've worked on together. There is much to be thankful for, indeed; it's just a matter of remembering that fact.

Your reframing is inspiring. You're so right that the question we have as our default influences how we see everything. It's a good reminder to be mindful of what's going on in the present moment rather than allowing that residual to brush everything.

I hope your arm feels better soon!

This might be a suggestion you've already discarded, but keeping a gratitude journal--one I write in each night before I go to sleep--has made a big impact on my own sense of gratitude towards my own life. I thought I knew just how much (and have blogged about it), but then in the loosey-goosiness of summer, I've let habit drop out of my life, and in the past few days, have realized just how much I miss it. Taking a few moments at the end of the day helps me focus on gratitude, but also helps me take each day as it comes, without borrowing too much from the days in the future, and in looking over the pages, I'm reminded how much I have in my life. Some days are easier than others to feel grateful for, but that is part of the process.

Catching up late, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you & D--and drawing my own inspiration/useful lessons from this post! Much love.

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Who is this What Now?

  • I'm an English teacher at Fabulous Girls' School (FGS). I'm a convert to Judaism. I am partner to D. We live in an adorable, messy little house in Adventure City. Two cats -- the Muse and the Contemplative -- live with us and keep life at home plenty adventurous.

    Email me at whatnowblogger at yahoo dot com.

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