So, I'm now on my fourth day of being a Jew. Yesterday at Shabbat services, I said a line in the service that I've always stayed silent before because I felt like I couldn't actually say it as a non-Jew. But yesterday I said it with a big smile!
The whole thing reminds me of when we got married, actually. I kept saying beforehand that I was sure it was going to be a lovely ceremony but that it really wasn't going to change anything. After all, we'd been living together for three years at that point.
But then, being married really did change things. I couldn't quite articulate what was different, but something was, and in a really good way.
Same thing so far with my conversion. Yes, it's my outsides matching my insides, as I'd said on the day of my conversion. But also, something really did change in the mikveh -- something I can't quite articulate -- so D. was right too. (Always convenient in a marriage when both partners turn out to be right!)
Last summer, I put my Jewish studies to the side temporarily to do some reading about race and injustice in preparation for a week-long intense seminar on diversity and inclusion in schools. At the time, I had a moment of panic about putting aside my reading about Judaism, and then I tried the experiment of doing this other reading as a Jew(-to-be). That is, was I only being Jewish when reading about Judaism, or was I being Jewish all the time?
So I figure that's what my life is like, now. Sometimes I'm deliberately studying something Jewish, and the rest of the time I'm a Jew doing something else.
And I have a lifetime to figure out exactly what that looks and feels like!